Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers