Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

So glad we cleared that up

Mood.. 😂

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.