Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

this is literally a CIA plant

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣