Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
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Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.