Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
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“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Baller is short for ballerina
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
can’t catch a break
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.