Get in, there’s no time to explain.
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Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.