Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
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Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.