Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
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LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.