Get lost in the experience, not the park.
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself