Get lost in the experience, not the park.
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I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.