GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Omg 🤣
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions