Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

This pepper has seen some shit

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

He-man has a Masters degree

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?