Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Squirrels before girls.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
