Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
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What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“you changed” bro i was 15
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
what’s really going on
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
RT if you know someone like this!!!
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.