Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
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SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?