Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Voting for coroner

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”