Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

The two types of wives

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.