Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
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ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
What in the hipster hell is going on here
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
just gave your address to some spiders
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.