Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
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Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
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[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.