Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

#oldknees

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Roadkill is just a goth zoo