Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
You Might Also Like
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.