Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Wolves should really raise more people.

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.