Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶