“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.