“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
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Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.