Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

shakira sharkira

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

How much for the goth pool noodles?

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

A new level of troll.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’