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Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy