Get off my horse you stupid moon
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A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.