Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
dads on road-trips be like
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.