Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
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That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs