Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

that lip filler tho

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.