Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.