Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Flock of bats

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*