@DaddyJew

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

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@mommajessiec

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

@better_off_dad

I swear it’s like nobody who says ‘bite me’ actually means it anymore.

@JP_theAntiHero

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

@realHamOnWry

There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

@NickAmadeus

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

@Jenny4ashley

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

@MelvinofYork

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

@OfficialMizGin

Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women.

If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.

@Naked_Superman

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

@freefanaddict

I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.