“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
You Might Also Like
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.