“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
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Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.