Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
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chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
🤣😂🤣
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
scenes of unspeakable carnage