Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Who chose this font
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.