Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
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me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
that wasn’t the question
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?