Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity