Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

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*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”


It’s 27 outside. Oh great, even the weather is younger and cooler than me now.


judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands


KING SOLOMON: I shall cut it in two, half for each of you.

WOMAN: sure


KING SOLOMON: ok this is clearly your meatball sub.


What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”


[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.


Wife: Did you want to go to Comic Con?

Me: *Google searches ‘Is Emilia Clarke going to be on the Game of Thrones panel at Comic Con’*


Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?


I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.