Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.