GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?