“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Worth the read.
😭😭😭
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.