“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
You Might Also Like
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD