“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”