“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
You Might Also Like
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look