Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.