Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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What
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
*mops up wine with cat*
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow