Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

when you are just born a rebel

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead