Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
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Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Sell your car
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.