Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood