“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
let’s discuss
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well