Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

ㅤ

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

Word.

~ Microsoft.

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.