“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Breaking news:
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale