“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Attacked by a mop.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them