Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

then why did i get this email

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Let’s Go

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…