get you a girl who
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.