get you a girl who
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
i love modern commerce
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
these can’t be my only options
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.