get you a girl who
You Might Also Like
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.