Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
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okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Still my favourite meme.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”