Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
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sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
This will never not be funny to me.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
bias laundering edition
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
🚲+physics = winner
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Math at Halloween.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Pat is about to own someone
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…