Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
You Might Also Like
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]