get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks