get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*