get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
You Might Also Like
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.