get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
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Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
looks legit
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.