Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip