get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
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Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too