Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

how DARE

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..